Looking At Your Self

Tonight I took my walk in the park, and decided to stop at Umbrella Girl. Sitting there was a homeless man, obviously inebriated, distressed, and not entirely lucid.

I took a chance.

When he said, “come here,” instead of walking away, I walked toward him.

He told me he was hungry. I said, “If I get you a sandwich, will you eat it?” Once he agreed, I walked quickly to McDonalds, and in a minute was back with the sandwich and a cup of steaming hot coffee.

He never touched the sandwich.

He finally looked at me and said, “you can’t help me!” I said, “no, I can’t.”

I will not say what other conversation we exchanged. Some of it was at a very deep level, and in spite of his intoxicated state, I had a profound sense that he understood exactly what I was saying.


“That’s right, I don’t. You don’t know what to make of me, do you?”


“That’s right. I’m not.”


“I never thought you were. If you were stupid, you would have been dead long ago.”


“Am I right?”


I completely met that man where he was. Most of our time together was looking at each other in silence and bewilderment.

As I left, I wondered if giving my time to this man was the right thing to do. He was a cast off in most people’s eyes. He reeked of cheap beer and hand-rolled cigarettes, and something else. I even let him put his arms around me. Why?

Then as I walked home, I sorted it out. You know who he was, and so do I. And finally, I began to understand what it is to love the most pathetic, derelict, decrepit parts of my being that are even too grotesque for me to touch, let alone, anyone else.

And suddenly I was free.

Now that was a HUGE Meta step for me! And you can take that step now, too, can’t you?

Be well, and at peace,


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One Comment on “Looking At Your Self”

  1. Frederic Says:

    Nice Story Phil, i once read a book called to the dark side of the light chasers by Debbie Ford. http://www.debbieford.com

    In it, it mentions that when you embrace the things in others that you despise and compassionately face and accept that deep down within you those qualities are also present that you then free yourself and move on. Or I hallucinated that is what she meant. Perhaps it is time for me to revisit that book.

    Now, I imagine that perhaps you have just had one of those experiences.

    Be well

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